by Sam Harley
November 25, 2017
When we were in our separation period (remember those?) I was lecturing in Washington, DC and she was touring Russian students around the States. We would see each other every three months or so, which was normal for that time. So normal that one state leader wrote in his newsletter to his Christian minister contacts ‘I got to visit my fiance last week,’ not realizing how strange that sounded to non-Moonies.
I remember explaining to someone working in a mall with us that I was engaged, and my fiance was half a continent away. “Doesn’t sound like much of an engagement,” she sniffed.
Anyway, the amount of time and maneuvering of central figures it took was prodigious. My Korean leader in DC wanted her to join me so we’d be an evangelical team, her CF in New York was Hyo Jin Nim, and he wasn’t about to let her go. So between missions and conditions and time schedules, it always took longer than we expected to see each other.
The one thing we noticed after a while, was that by the time we drove to a Burger King on a strip near where her Russian tour was staying, to spend four or five hours talking, it seemed like by the time we actually met all of our hopes, fears, anticipations and expectations had just died out and we were there. Just there. Not up, not down, not excited, not hopeful, jittery, googly-eyed or disappointed. We were just there.
I remember picking her up in the church station wagon. Driving to the Burger King, not knowing what to say. All the things I’d thought of saying, all the eager anticipation of seeing her again were gone, lost in the four hour drive, the multiple schedule changes.
After several minutes of silence, I reached out a finger and poked her in the leg, twice. She knew exactly what I meant. “Yes, I’m real.” she said.
This used to be called the zero point. Many of the matching testimonies I have heard have this in them. Huge hopes, massive disappointments, crazy excitement shoot you up and down until you just give up on them and you’re kind of just there. And that’s usually when True Father motions for you to stand up. That’s when it happens.
I’m thinking about this as I’m in the process of trying to get rematched. In the past, when True Father was on Earth with us, the ‘finding zero’ period to be matched was intense but compressed, usually within days or even hours. Of course not for everyone, but for most it was over quickly. The way it is done now, it can take years to get to the same point.
But also as I look back on my years of marriage, I think that not finding the zero point in everyday life – being afraid of saying the wrong thing, or doing anything that would make her reject me – was one of the things that ended the marriage ultimately. It wasn’t the only thing, but seeing what is rather than what you hope for or expect goes a long way towards a lasting lifelong relationship, I think. As if to say, even if the worst thing happens, I’ll still be here.
Did something you really wanted happen only after you gave up on it?
What are your experiences with reaching the zero point?